Epiphanies...

It takes a lot for me to stop thinking and let my head clear. But after an anxiety filled few weeks, I have had a 'clear head' moment. With financial pressures (of my own doing) weighing on my conscience and the prospect of changing work locations, the angst grew and grew. But with much thought, and some good advice from friends, I believe I made the correct decision. It was difficult and tense, but I could not transfer to where I really did want to go. And that is just the prologue to my 'epiphany'.

Things have been eating away at me for a while, things that shouldn't I know. But with me being a stubborn ass more often than not, a clear thought process or even a clear head seemed impossible. Now I want to say that I am firm believer in predestination, or things happen for a reason. And I believe that my life has been somewhat guided in many ways. It is by the grace of God that I am here today, let alone be alive (my opinion). And if guardian angels do exist, mine had done double duty and is at this time at a bar somewhere drinking! And with that being said, I have tried many times to make sense of either life itself or my place in it. Of course, I failed. But I learned from it.

And after declining the transfer from Chef Mickey's to the UK pavilion at Epcot, I began to second guess every decision I made. And the the anxiety set in, and boy did it ever! I wasn't sleeping or eating well, I was floundering. And instead of changing the schedule I opted to take a weeks vacation to get some things squared away. I did not fail.

I had planned to go to St Augustine for a few days, but predestination (I believe) set in. Tension headaches came, and lingered for a few days, but I had time to think. The things that I thought made me undesirable and unwanted in a weird sort of way are pretty cut and dry, once put down on paper. I thought it was because of my not being fit, either financially or physically. Or maybe it was my fear, utter and intense fear of rejection and the pain that would inevitably follow. And I believe they are all interconnected. It has been said that you should have your own house in order, and that is where I am today. Striving to set a good foundation. My self made neurosis has made me insecure about who I am, and I have wrestled with myself for years. Like The Hulk in movies and comics, I felt I had an inner beast fighting for control of my mind. I also felt that I would never be worthy to be in a decent relationship. And I surmised because my own life was in chaos, how could I be with someone and be happy.

But after this week, I have come to set a 'Plan of Attack' as of sorts, to combat my issues and move forward. Financially, this was easy, just balance my checkbook and be more in control of my money. As for the physical aspect, I have cut out many things that I feel were too much of indulgence and not helping me. No soda, no alcohol and curtailing the late night fast food eating (that is a biggie). And exercise is to be increased in the avenues of cardio and weight training, and the biggest obstacle the diet.
As I have indicated earlier, I was not happy with myself or how I was not living, but I was EXISTING. Not a great way to be. So here is my plan:
1. Diet. Cutting back on sodas, beer and fast food. To cut them out completely would destructive, what with craving and all! I would fall. My only day for indulgences is one day every week I can 'cheat'.
2. Finances. Cutting spending, especially eating out. This will be aided by not drinking beer (tough one), and that does get very expensive. My long term one year time frame will enable me to pay off either my vehicle or my student loan within that time frame and also securing a saving plan.
3. Fitness. Cardio 3-6 times a week, and weight training 3 times a week. I am also going to begin some sort of yoga for stretching and limbering up (see Zombieland rules!). I am at present unhappy in my skin, but that will change!

more to come....

My first 'Blog'!

Blog. Never thought I'd ever do this. Well, here it goes. I have many thoughts on many subjects, so stick with me, my ramblings are many. And if you know me, this is SOO true! And I have many opinions on many subjects and I will address them all in time I bet. And a disclaimer: Not everyone will agree with me, and if you don't, be nice if you comment, it's just an opinion. This is still the land of free speech. If you agree or if you feel sor see I'm in error, let me know, i'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong. Also I will use this as a measurement of my progress in the areas of fitness, finances, etc. and with this I welcome anyone reading this drivel!